Move it on over...

I'm making like Frank Sinatra, and doing it my way. Which only means that blogger is a beast of the past, and wordpress rules the roost.

chain_ring

chain_ring
Originally uploaded by Johann the Viking.

I met Samaritan today, on a photo-excursion with Nathan and the aformentioned biblical do-gooder.

I came away with a total of 174 photos, 30 of which turned out semi-decent. This one is my favorite, and currently resides as my desktop wallpaper.

It was a fun day, met some wonderful people, made new friends, and found a new creative outlet. I'm no world-class photgrapher by any means, but I learned a thing or three today.

2 for the price of one

Now that I have that off my chest...

I feel like an amalgum of entities trapped within the same flesh. All of these entities compete for attention, and a select few get the most "time behind the wheel" as it were, for many reasons, necessity being the biggest one.

There is one, however, that doesn't see any drive time anymore, hasn't for some time. His name is creativity. Used to be, I didn't feel alive unless I was creating. Fatherhood has increased the number of things it takes to make me feel alive, but it hasn't rubbed out the original.

There's a tangible ache within my fingers, within my arms, my heart. I can feel it calling to me, like a phantom of a whisper, taunting me, toying with me. And when I surrender - finally - it disappears. It's like trying to chase the wind, just when you think you've gotten it cornered... it's no longer there.

I've tried any number of things to bring it back. New pencils. New paper. New markers. A guitar. A new camera. Bran got in on the act and bought me a small (but still mightily kick-ass) tablet. I end up with some discombobulated lines, some chicken scratches, and an intense feeling of frustration coupled with a feeling of loss.

Like the loss you feel when a summertime friend has to go back home. You know they'll be back next year, but in the meantime, you're left in a world that's cold and grey, dreary and drab, and you lose the will to make it to another day. I don't like that. And, I think that part of all my problems stem from my inability to open the floodgates of creativity within me. Perhaps out of fear.

I once dreamed of a job in San Diego working for Image comics. Will I still be good enough? Will my ideas stink? Will my styla have stagnated with time? Will.. well, will I realize that really, I was a hack, am a hack, and always will be a hack?

And more importantly, will I find someone to kick me square in the ass for not going to the Art Institute of Chicago when I had the chance? (I wish I could go back in time and kick the living hell out of myself sometimes.)

But then, a post about all my regrets and missed opportunities is an post unto itslef.

And the magic number is...

346.

That's how much I weigh. Frankly, I'm more disgusted with myself than I ever have been in my entire life. And I officially weigh nearly 100# more than I ever have.

I've written about my bouts with depression before. I'm sure there's other things I haven't written about, stress and setbacks, worry and troubles. I've let them ad weight to me. I've wallowed in self pity, darkness and doubt, and I'm paying the price. Blood pressure 152 over 50... God knows what my cholesterol is. And I'm 29.

Twenty-freakin-nine. I'm still young. I should be out there seizing life by it's horns and wrestling it into submission. Instead I'm shoving calories into my face like skinny's going out of style.

When I was young I played Football (no-brainer if you've ever seen me), baseball (might take a stretch to imagine that one) and tennis (ok Nathan, breathe man, breathe!). Now I can barely walk up 3 flights of stairs without wheezing so hard I'm in danger of sucking the paint off the walls.

I should be happy that changes are happening. We're eating less, and healthier. I'm trying to work more physicality into my day. I'm aware of the gargantuan and disgusting proportions I've ballooned to, and can change them now.

I feel like the blob.

But I've been the underdog before. I've fought tough battles. Tooth and nail. I've paid my pound of flesh to get where I am today. I've fought back from suicide, deep depression, anger, severe financial ruin, unemployment, loss of contact with reality, disconnect with loved ones, and so much more. I can fight this. I can whip this. I've fought everything else, now I just need to fight... me.

The sweet, sweet Internets...

After not having any access to a computer or the internet at home since last Thursday evening, it's with great elation that I post this now, from behind a 6MB/s down cable connection.

Thank you Mrs. Robinson.

Bestest Valentine card evar!!11!1!!

Valentine
Originally uploaded by Johann the Viking.

I got an email from me sweety today, with this attached.

I never thought it could get any better than Tigger as a Pirate. I mean, admit it, a Pirate Tigger is überly badass to begin with, but add a custom Pirate tagline courtesy of my baby, then you have perfection my friends.

Rage

Tonight... heh. Tonight I succumbed to Rage. I lowered myself down to the dirty dregs of the base human existence.

Some more information is needed, I think, to understand tonight. Before Christmas, I wrote about how the kids' father was supposed to come get them, but instead, called to say that he had this emergency staff infection that came out of nowhere, and as a result, wouldn't be able to see the kids at all for Christmas. Possible? Yes. Highly unlikely? Yes. An outright lie? Knowing Russell, probably. So the kids were devastated, and it was the last straw for me, so I let Russell have it but good, and he told me, get this, "keep your nose out of where it don't belong." You know, because the children that he sired, neglected, beat and otherwise doesn't give a damn about unless it's tax time, the ones I'm raising, they aren't my business.

Fast forward to tonight. Michael was crying, because he didn't want to lay down and have his diaper changed. Bran was in the kitchen talking with Russell, who miraculously called when he said he was going to. I heard Brandi say "Oh, he's fine, he's just crying because he wants to run around."

The rage was instantaneous. Engulfing. How DARE he ask about MY son. He can't even raise his own children, how DARE he ask about MINE! I finished putting Michael's diaper on and told Brandi to tell Russell to keep his nose out from where it belongs, then proceeded to go find a door to slam.

A little later, when I had managed to quit seething, I brought Brandi downt he hall to talk about what happened. Basically she reminded me that I was sinking to his level, and that maybe I should just eat the rage I was feeling, and stay on moral high ground, after all, good things aren't happening to us for no reason. God has a plan, why flub it up now by giving in to temptation?

She's right of course, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

And the award goes to...

Nathan and Christy.

I've known Nathan for very near to a year, and met Christy only shortly before Christmas. Both of them have gone above and beyond the expectation of friendship to help my family and myself, and I thought a public thank you would be in order.

So, Nathan, Christy, thank you. Thank you for enduring the stress, the questions, the cold weather, late nights, financial burdens and worry that went hand in hand with helping me out. Thank you for helping me provide a good place for my family to start on a new path. Thank you for caring, thank you for opening your home and your hearts. (And thanks for the pirate mug, argh!)

To make a geological reference, you rock. God bless you both.

Free iPod madness

Yeah so, on a whim, I decided to try one of those free ipod offers. I can find more evidence that it's legit than I can that it's not. The problem now is that I need 5 referrals, which basically means that I need to get some people to create an email address for this so they don't get spammed to death, and participate in at least one offer.

Clicking iPod will take you to a page where you too can enter in this incredibly hard to believe offer.

Yeah, I have my doubts, but I've been driving everyone I know crazy with ipod talk, so to me, it's worth a shot, besides, I was thinking about joining blockbuster online anyway.

On being a Dad

I was going to use my blogging time to talk about my trip to the Super Wal-Mart and the anger, frustration and disgust that arose from that foray into ultra-consumerism, but tonight, as I lay on the living room floor with my 18 month old curled tight to me, just the two of us watching “Bruce Springstein and the E Street Band Live in New York City” I realized that I had something much nearer and dearer to my heart to write about: being a Dad.

It takes a lot to be a Man these days. Sometimes it’s more than I have to give, I’m not perfect, I’m no Superman… God, how I wish I was. I’ve been through a lot of hard times in the past 5 years. I think as I grow wiser, older and more objective, I can accept that it was self-inflicted. I didn’t think I deserved to be happy or successful, so I wasn’t. I’m trying to turn that around, and Lord is it hard. It feels impossible sometimes, like there’s an insurmountable heap of bills, worries, responsibilities, etc that constantly weigh on my mind and drag down my Soul.

We all do it, get caught up in the things that God tells us to give to Him, rather than asking for guidance or help. ["Man who is born of woman is of few days and full of trouble" (Job 14:1)] Me especially, I’ve been fighting with the Messiah for years, tooth and nail. I’m so used to doing it all by myself, that I keep doing that… I keep worrying about being a good Dad, being a good Provider, making sure everyone has what they need, make sure the kids are kept in line, taught discipline, responsibility, patience, understanding. I worry about all these things so much that I forget to stop, and just love.

I don’t think that anyone that’s not a parent can truly understand the heart wrenching depth of love you feel for your own child. It grips you deep, hard, in a place that can’t be ignored. And, when I slow down and let my guard down; it washes over me. Like the massive, heavy waves crashing on the shoreline, beating away the loose chafe, packing the dirt, wearing the teeth from the rocks, until they’re smooth, supple and no longer resist. I don’t have the words to accurately describe that feeling.

I’m not a man that’s easily moved to tears, or quick to show any emotion past anger. It’s something I’m working on, but I’ve spent almost 30 years not crying, that won’t change overnight. As I lay there, and felt my son move closer against me, and experienced that rush of pure, unconditional love, I was moved deep within, and I knew that, no matter what, I’ll always be a hero to my boy. I’ll always be the guy that can fix everything, that knows everything, that’s tough as nails and gentle as a teddy bear as long as there aren’t too many people around. And dammit if that didn’t feel good.

All your Basecamp are belong to me.

Last night I discovered backpack. Today, I discovered basecamp.

Basecamp is off the chain! It's just what I needed for setting, tracking and keeping deadlines, code updates, etc for the CSC website. The slippery slopes of organization are within my grasp! muahahah *cough*

In other news, I'm surrounded by stupidity, and unable to think clearly, so I'll be spending the rest of the afternoon not working on the website, but looking at thinkgeek.

Things todo....

Putting this here as it's a relatively easy place for me to get to from anywhere.

• Finish installing and configuring apps on my PC




• Office 2003


• Nero


• iTunes


• PowerDVD


• LimeWire


• Find out about Arconis cloning software


• Look for my GHOST install CD


• xamp


• prolly other stuff too




• Backup and re-image the laptop


• lock down mom's PC


• ghost my drive so I don't have to deal with M$ again

I'm also blaming the entire world (you know who you are) for the wonderful day full of worshipping the porcelain God. I'm at least 10 pounds lighter, as I've regurgitated my spleen, kidneys, liver, all the food I ate for the last 3 days, and my socks.

To work tomorrow, right-o!

IE 7.0 Beta 2, first impressions

I know I said I was going to bed, but the only thing I can find there right now is God telling me to go to church this sunday, and open eyelids.

I saw on /. today that the Beta 2 of IE 7.0 was out for public consumption, so always willing to quickly prove that Micro$oft has yet again made a fool out of themselves, I downloaded all 112MB of it.

I... like it...

It reminds me vaguely of a cross between Phoenity and Noia skins for Firefox. And tabs... and.. unobtrusive... so far anyway. I'm sure I'll have more to say in a couple days, but right now I like it, for an M$ product.

EDIT: CTRL-Clicking a link will open the link up in a new tab... which means that it feels a little more like home.

Because Nathan did it

This is all because of Nathan. I can't say I'm surprised that I'm supposed to be an art major, considering my <3 of art.

It's late (for me) and I'll have to save witticisms about power shift mode for later, you crazy ninja.

You scored as Art. You should be an Art major! How bohemian! Engineering 100% Linguistics 100% Art 100% Mathematics 100% Theater 100% Philosophy 92% English 75% Journalism 75% Dance 67% Psychology 67% Biology 58% Chemistry 42% Sociology 42% Anthropology 33% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

And we're supposed to care why?

I'm sure by now that pretty much everyone has heard that Bob Woodruff was injured in Iraq.

To which I say "Big freakin' deal".

When we start having news stories on all the major channels anytime an enlisted man loses a limb, or is shot or killed, then maybe I'll give a damn about Bob Woodruff being injured.

This is a phenomena in our society, any injury incurred by a celebrity is newsworthy. "Flash: Jessica Simpson in stable condition after intense wedgie." Why everyone is so obsessed with celebrities is beyond me. What truly boggles the mind is that someone that willingly went into a War Zone is getting airtime for getting injured, when no one seems to care that good men (most of them still boys) are dying and being wounded over there on a daily basis. Why? Because they're not on TV or have 10 figure incomes. Where is the justice in that?

Where is the concern for men that are putting their lives on the line and not earning fame and fortune for it?

This is one of those things where I have 10,000 words to say, but they're all trying to get out at the same time. This sickens me, completely and totally. I am absolutley disgusted with American Society.

The House

Well, the deal on the house fell through, so I'm looking again. My mindset at this point is that if it fell through, it did so for a reason, as I put it in God's hands and have prayed on it. I'm really just glad that it fell through before I started buying things prematurely.

At the same time, I know it took a lot out of Nathan and Christy both. They sank a ton of personal time into this hunt, and for that, I am deeply grateful. I just hope that we can get something settled soon, with a minimal amount of issue.

Apparently Brandi knows someone in Jackson that is or will be getting a divorce, and is selling their house... or wants to. Gotta love absolutes. At any rate, the girl is a paralegal, so I'm of a mind that it would be out of our price range. Wait n see I guess.

Vote tech_samaritan 2008

He answered my cry for help in my last post, and within hours of getting all the files needed, he had found the solution to my issues in IE (and coincidentally, in Firefox too).

You, sir, are a saint.

Comment, comment, comment

When you enter the fun fun world of coding/scripting/writing incoherent lines of squigglies to make a computer do something, you hear a lot of people say "COMMENT YOUR CODE, ALWAYS!". Various reasons are given for this, some of the most popular are to make it more readable for other people (big whoop), and making it easier for you to know what you were doing 6 months from now when you finally get a chance to look at that code you started.

I must admit, I didn't think it would happen to me. Today, it has.

I was wrangled into helping renovate our department's website... and before I knew it, I went from CodeMonkey to Lead Designer. About this time, my boss came by and said "Here. *plop* You can sit in on the AD Foundation meetings for the next 4 months." Which basically means that as soon as I really got into the swing of things, a much bigger malignant tumor... er project was dropped into my lap.

So today I open up my editor[mpsoftware], and grab the 3 files that I'm using for a dynamic support assistance form. Immediately all those admonitions of many a forum warrior and book editor came to bit me squarely in the ass.

Like I said, I have 3 files:

• 1 - 235 line XHTML file


• 1 - 166 line CSS file


• 1 - 87 line JS file

Which, to many people won't seem like all that much. But it sure is when you've been away from it for 4 months or so, and nothing makes hardly any sense at all. So currently I'm spending the time I wanted to use to make some edits and get the form production ready, figuring out what I was trying to do and commenting it.

Lesson learned, O great Code Monkies.

As an aside, I'm having some display issues with the form. Basically it's showing and hiding < div >s based on selections made by an option box and/or radio buttons. It's pretty schweet really. Anyway, I have some display issues... namely I have some 'help' text that appears to the right of the sections that is getting cut off when selecting anything within the 2nd section. It's confusing to describe, but really apparent when you see it. This happens in IE. In Firefox, the text stays there, but the containing border for the < fieldset > tag steps all over the top of the help text. Normally i would worry about the firefox issue and the IE one not so much, the problem with that mentality in this case is that the only "approved" browser we have is IE.

At any rate, if anyone feels like assisting, I can email the source files to you :D

Chuck Norris' Blood Type is AK+

I wanted to take the opportunity to inform anyone that doesn't currently know about chucknorrisfacts.com, that is exists. Not only does it exist, it's hillarious. If irreverant and borderline offensive on a few 'facts'.

For instance:
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Worth reading for the chuc(norris)kle and the occasional knee slapper.

Photoshop Joy

Well, not really.

See, the problem I have is twofold. To start with, my camera (like most digital cameras) doesn't quite grok the concept of real colors, so they need to be corrected. My other issue is the less than stellar color recognition I have. This is mostly due to doing things like welding and cutting without eye protection in my "youth". (Next year I'll be able to say that without the quotations, as I'll fully be 30.. not sure whether to be excited about that or not.)

So the tutorials I see on using curves to adjust color don't seem to be working for me, and so I resort back to Colors and Hue/Saturation. Which works ok... but in going back over pictures, I can sometimes make out a colored cast over the pics.. like the pudding pic in my last post, looks kinna reddish to me.

I guess, as I re-acclamate myself to color, it will get better, just like after practicing guitar like a man possessed for the passt 2 weeks I can start to hear music... but I'm not holding my breath, Van Gogh didn't cut his ear off overnight.

A brief interlude for 80's music:
kaaarma karma karma karma karma chameleon... OoOOoohhhhhhhh oooooooOOoohhhhhhh

In other news, I've asked 3 people in my house for a spare Rosary, and all of them have said they'd look, but none have come through for me yet. This is odd because I grew up in a Catholic household, and usually ahd to step over rosaries to go from one room to the next, and now suddenly they're all gone. It's like the bead fountain dried up along with my faith.

This is an excellent beginning plot for a nice, turn-based RPG.

pudding_face

pudding_face
Originally uploaded by Johann the Viking.

After being "coached" on proper cropping area, and still not pleasing my coach, this is what I came up with.

Pudding + baby = happy boy

It still doesn't seem as vivid as I would like it to be, but it's a ton better than the original. I need some more photography n photoshop lessons.

Brain Dump

Last night as I was cooking, it occurred to me that I should write a cookbook for parents:

1# Pork
1 tsp Miram
1 tsp Rice vinegar
3 tsp Corn starch

Combine miram, rice vinegar and corn starch in a bowl. Stir until asked once how much longer dinner will be.

Other small things to note. I work in a call center, when someone calls in I ask them for their last name, without fail, people named Smith or Brown will spell their last name for you. However perople with a last name of say, Wiesczisclewskichevski won't, and are downright offended that you ask them to spell it.

Also, I haven't decided if blogging for work is 'bad' or not yet. On the one hand, oftentimes it keeps me from killing coworkers, on the other hand, I'm using corporate bandwidth to update a personal page. Oh the moral jungle in which we live.

The death of a laptop

I guess the title pretty well covers it. The Toshiba laptop that has been friend and foe for the last 7 years has finally bit the dust.

She went out fighting. Most of her keyboard buttons were gone, the CD player worked when it wanted, the floppy drive worked from DOS, and the DVD drive no longer recognized DVDs. But, by golly, she worked, and worked well.

Currently, an autopsy is being performed by a 9 year old with a screwdriver and a vengeance.

Rock on, lil Toshiba, wherever you are.

IMG_0041

IMG_0041
Originally uploaded by Johann the Viking.

This is the best of about 45 pictures that I've taken so far. More to come as I get comfortbale with it, and learn a few more things.

There's actually a nice sepia wash function on the camera, but the pics I took with that are a bit on the blurry side, due to using an ISO50 setting... ooops.

Ah well, I'm learning still :)

The cost of creativity

So I broke down and boutght the Canon PowerShot S2 IS (DPReview page). So far, I've realized that my hands shake more than I thought, and 16MB isn't the gargantuan space that it used to be (About 10 pics).

I'll try to post some pics later today. Betweent he snow and freezing rain of last night, there's some really inspiring sights to see outside. Which is a nice change of pace from the normal dull, gray existence that is Michigan in the Winter.

Also got rid of the navbar with:

 noembed
   body
 /noembed

And damn you blogger for not treating the pre tag like it should be!

Cure for the "Next Blog" button.

Large, erect, college penises. That's the cure.

I'm still mentally in KERNEL PANIC.

Vibrating Fingertips

So Nathan just verified that my guitar will make more than wonk, plank and buzz noises. This is good because it illustrates that it's me and not the guitar, so I can quit wondering.

Across the river Styx; or, Come Sail Away

Recently I've been straining against myself, and my reasonable side, and I think I figured out, as I lie awake in bed staring at the cieling, why that is.

For the past few days I've been getting hot and bothered about getting a Camera. (Well not any camera, a Canon EOS Digital Rebel) And I've been throwing myself into my guitar, which isn't good for the finish, but I digress. Tonight, as I read Christy's blog, I think I saw some clues that gave my struggling soul words.

My artist is dieing.

Which is to say, that a large chunk of this broken down Soul is wasting away to nothingness, and is grabbing at anything that might have even passed by an artistic expression on it's way into our world, in a desperate attempt to resuscitate itself. This is sobering for me, because while I've been aware that I haven't been drawing, or writing, I didn't comprehend the destruction I was facilitating by continuing my lethargic little existance.

Time is what I need, and the one resource that I don't have. I work 100 miles away from home. Brandi works nights, though she tries to be done before or shortly after I get home. Even when she doesn't work, a normal week night is a blur of getting dinner ready for the kids, changing diapers, making bottles, breaking up fights, sorting out arguments, and trying to keep one coherent thoguht above the din that is music, laughter, screaming children and the TV that no one is watching. By the time things slow down to where I can relax, there's usually only a half hour to an hour left before I need to go to bed. I have to use this to relax enough to actually sleep. Then, when we're in bed, it's time to catch up on the days events, because Bran and I don't have any other time to do so. The weekends aren't much better, she usually has to work most all day, and the kids still need to be looked after. Plus there's all the chores that didn't get done during the week that are just piling up, waiting for some good ole' elbow grease to get them going.

How can I create when Life is going on all around me? That's the 10 million dollar question.

So here I sit, fighting internally, one half of me (which used to be almost all of me, before unhappy marriage, divorce, bills and bankruptcy, plus turning my back on God ate away at the very marrow of my soul, leaving an empty, brittle husk... a mere phantom shadow of the man I used to be)trying so desperately to hold on to an existance, and gain some favor with my conciousness. The other half telling my consciousness that there are other things that are more important; rent, bills, tools for the great renovation (more on that some other time), food, car, etc etc etc. I don't have the money to waste on such frivolous things. There's no way to justify it at all.

The other half manages in a broken whisper to say "that's the point..."

So, can logic and artistry coexist? Perhaps, but a spartan logic, leaving nothing in the way for pleasure, but dutifully plodding along has no space for an artist. I did this to myself. I had to.. in a desperate attempt to not blow the brains out of the back of my head back in 2001, I kindled a fire under the other side. The side that is so short-sighted... the side that let me ignore the things that were hurting me so much, so that I could continue breathing, continue existing. I can't say living, because that's not what I'm doing.

I have to wonder if that's what God wants out of us. Is there anywhere in the bible that says "get the camera, screw the bills and have fun for once"? Probably not in so many words.

But then again, I can't justify... bah, you get the point.

And now for something completely different

Rocky and Bullwinkle, comedy genius.

Anyway, now that I have a good night's insomnia under my belt, and most of the vinegar out of my veins from my last post, I thought I might try tackling what I had intended on writing last night, rather than the piss and vinegar that did come out. And now, on with the show.

Saturday before last was my 29th b-day, it was a Johnny Cash affair, and I got some sweet loot, which is pretty much what I wanted to talk about :D First, the list of sweet, sweet Cash lewts:

• Johnny Cash - The Legend Boxed Set (Limited edition)


• Johnny Cash - The Complete Sun Recordings (1955-1958)


• Multiple Johnnny Cash 45's from Sun and Columbia


• Folsom Prison Blues T-Shirt


• Fender Acoustical Guitar

Pretty cool eh? :)

To say I made out like a happy little bandit would be a complete understatment.

So currently I've been practicing guitar for anywhere from 1-4 hours a day, and can play E5, A5 and D5, as well as G7 and C7. But I can only switch between the power chords, haven't quite been able to smoothly drop into G7 or C7 yet, but I'm working on it. I say G7 or C7, because off the top of my head, I can't currently remember which one is the single finger chord. Though I'm sure if I asked Nathan, who's only 15' away, he would tell know.

That pretty well sums up the enthusiasm I have left for my b-day, so on to other things.

I made a giant leap of.. well, Faith, funnily enough. This past saturday I decided to put the entire house deal in God's hands. Even typing that now I get an odd feeling in my stomach. When I said it out loud, I was filled with... lots of feelings. This is, for me, the equivalent of trying ot jump the grand canyon on foot. But:

Matthew 17:19-20 "Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, 'Why could we not cast it out?' He said to them, 'Because of your little faith. For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."

Luke 17:5-6 "The apostles said to the Lord, 'Increase our faith!' The Lord replied. 'If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you.'"

So I figure, starting over with faith that small is a good first step... but Lord is it frightening to hand over control of such an important part of my life to someone I haven't been on close terms with in... 13 years or better.

I guess I'm moving in fits and starts... you know what they say about camels and needle eyes.

Testing my Faith

My mother has often times told me that God will never give you more than what you're able to bear. Sometimes, I think she's full of shit. Take tonight for instance. Brandi's ex-husband calls, (guess I should call him almost ex-husband, since nothing has been signed as of yet. Yes Nathan, I know you're disappointed, I believe there's a line to get into for that.) and says "Which one of the kids amI going to be claiming on my taxes this year?" What makes this hillarious is that he hasn't sent a single red cent in child support in over a year. And prior to that he sent it in fits and starts. (Though he has enough money to go to the motel with his girlfriend, get his tongue pierced, and buy a new vehicle, just not enough to help support the kids he made.)

On top of everything else, this is really pushing what I can take. I have a headache, I'm pissed, and my leg is shaking like a heroine addict that's been locked in a cellar for 3 days. Matthew (the youngest of Brandi's children) is gone away to a friend's house, but Paige was here. And boy did I tell Paige what I thought of her 'daddy' which, in retrospect, I shouldn't have done... I guess.

Here's some comedy for ya, I'll copy and paste the IM conversation Bran and I are having right now. In this case 'he' refers to her ex, and John is me:

Brandi Brat™ says:
he said last time he called he got his feelings hurt because matthew was.. john this and john that
EvilGenius says:
WHO FUCKING CARES?
Brandi Brat™ says:
making it sound like that's why he hasnt been calling
EvilGenius says:
maybe if he bothered being a DAD he wouldn't have that to worry about

Pretty awesome eh? How about the fact that he has receipts showing that he's sent $1500 since Christmas? I know, as a recovering Christian, that I should really try to love this man, and try not to hate the very fabric of his damnable soul so much, but it's very hard to love someone that is so wrong. It's very hard to forgive someone that only cares about himself, and to hell with everyone else, including the children he's supposed to love.

An American Legend, a Hero, and me.

This Sunday I went to go see "Walk the Line" (20th Century Fox link). I've been holding off on it for a few reasons. The biggest being that Johnny Cash is and was one of my greatest heros. He made music that spoke to me, and touched me on many levels. I've been with him through good times, through alcoholism, through unemployment, through a divorce, and the birth of my son. I was devastated when June died, and the day she did I said to one of my friends "It won't be long for Johnny now... he won't be able to live without her." 4 months was what it took.

Another reason was that I just couldn't see Reese Witherspoon as June Carter Cash. I mean, this is the girl that was in Legally Blonde 1 and 2... how in the world would she be able to live up to June? Up to this point, I'd seen Joaquin Phoenix in a few movies. (Ladder 49, Signs, The Village) From what I'd seen him in, I could see he was flexible.

I'm here to tell you, I was completely wrong to have any reservations about this movie whatsoever.

Start to finish was a religious experience for me. Yeah, I know you're laughing, but it was. The self-destruction, the self-deprecation, the relationship he had with his father, all of it spoke to me on a base level. I can relate to it all, some things were worse for him, others were worse for me, but I gained a better understanding of the man that I have idolized for some time. I left that theater with steel bands around my chest and fire behind my eyes. I was laid wide open, body and soul, and I realized something; I miss my Lord.

I've been quasi-agnostic since I was probably 10-11. Mass didn't mean much to me, church didn't either. God meant even less. After all, he let my dad have a heart attack, and he let my grandfather waste away to nothing before taking him. He didn't answer my questions, and imposed rules on me that made no sense. His priests were no better, preferring to shove dogma down my throat to actually answering questions of mine. Sunday I realized that it might just have been me... I might be the one hardening my heart to Him.

I haven't felt complete in a long time, I always feel like I'm missing something. Something important, something big. Something was rekindled in me as I watched the Carters dry Johnny out. Something blazed inside he when he said to June that he only hurts everyone he loves, only drives them away.

I have to find my way.

Or, I have to let God guide me. I've realized that I have angels in my life recently. Both of them are at work. Nathan and John. One or the other is bringing my attention back to God in some way, it's getting to the point that I can't ignore it anymore.

I was hoping that by putting this all down, committing it to some external medium, that I could lessen the constriction around my chest, and the fire in my eyes. It seems as thought that it's only gotten worse, however.

And so I remain, utterly and hopelessly, Lost.

Smorgasbord of updates

In the spirit of repression, I don't update very often.

There's been a lot going on lately, good and bad, and it's been tough to get here to put down my thoughts somewhere ordered.

I guess I'll start with one of the more recent things that's happened. I have 3 children. 1 of which is mine, the other 2 are my girlfriends', though I think of them as mine. Anyway, the good for nothing sack of flesh they call a father was supposed to pick them up for Christmas last Saturday afternoon. Saturday morning he called to say he wouldn't be there, and won't be there till maybe after the first of the year, "like spring break or somethin".

Now, you would think that a guy who doesn't send a dime in child support, and only calls his own kids maybe once a month if they're lucky, would be able to make some time for his kids, rather than making time to concoct a lie. See, he says he contracted a staff infection in his lip, and had undergone surgery that morning, to remove infected tissue from his lip. Which is funny since he sure was speaking just dandy. This is one of those times that my emotions got the better of me... I can't stand the way he treats those kids, and this was really the last straw... I grabbed the phone and laid into his useless ass.

After that, we all had a good time, went to lunch and they got to eat off the adult menu, took them to see Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (was awesome, go see it, the Pirate compels you, arrrrgh). Went to the hobby shop and looked around, took them to the arcade and gave them both $20 worth of tokens. Fun time was had by all.

The downside would be that we weren't planning on doing Christmas shopping until after Christmas for the kids. Which leads me to another development, that being that I can spoil the bejeezus out of the kids for the first time in 5 years. Christmas is always a huge holiday for me, and it's not about the commercialism, I enjoy being able to give the kids what they want, the joy on their little faces when they open up just what they asked for, or even better, when they open up something that they love that they didn't ask for.

Also, things are looking good to go on a nice 30's era house in the city for moving into within a month or so... I hope anyway, we all love the house. Needs some TLC, but definitely worth it. I really am blessed that I've run into Ninja Nate and his effervescent wife; they've made things happen for me that would have otherwise been impossible. I'll move on, since this is getting close to mushy ;)

Speaking of Ninja Nate, he lavished me with presents at work today. Okay, it was only one present, but it was the grandaddy of all presents. A bona-fide Pirate mug. Replete with Arrrrrggh... on one side in a nice Olde English block calligraphy script, and on the other, a skull with cutlass crossbones. Schweeeeet.

Of course this means I need to get him a present, but that's just between you and me.

Reneging on design changes

So it's been nearly a month since the last update to my little world on the web. Alot has happened since then.

The biggest thing is that I'm actually employed as a real employee, not a contractor anymore! Exciting enough, but a double in my income, benefits, and a chance to move 100 miles closer to work all showed up on my doorstep bearing gifts.

One thing I've noticed is that Corporate America is disgusting with the money it throws around. Of course, being on the receiving end for a change is refreshing. It's good to feel like I'm starting to have major turn around in my life, considering the constant downward spiral it's been in for the past 5 years.

Things are looking good for me to be moved into a new house close to work before Christmas, which is another boon, as I currently drive 190 miles round trip, per day, for work.

Time hasn't really allowed me to play with my blog design, or much anything else. Hopefully once life settles back into it's own little grind things will be more forthcoming.

More Viking-ishness needed

With a URL like mine, it's far beyond time to back it up, and this blog is sorely lacking in Viking-ishness.

Credit reports as hiring tools

It is my belief that a credit report does not accuratley describe a person. They do not take into account extenuating circumstances, nor the Ides of Youth. (No, I don't mean the 15th of Youth, I was typing metaphorically.)

This all ties in to the job offer thing. My credit is shite, I'll tell you that much. Most of it is due to circumstances beyond my control. Divorce, extended unemployment due to an economy that is just horrible.

What this has to do with my work ethic or my ability to do the job is beyond me.

What kind of society are we that reduces a man to a FICO score?

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Odd title for mixed emotion news.

My team lead took me aside today to ask if I would be willing to relocate if they were offering a full-time thing and relocation pay. He also told me not to say anything to anyone under penalty of Death. This is neither 'saying' or to 'anyone' per se, so I rule it safe.

Mixed emotion because I don't know if this is where I want to be...

More discussion is needed with the SO... news to come.

Not my fault if this confidential news is put into my 'diary'.. heh

No more Zen

I'm only posting here because the Zen-like mood I had is gone, and I can no longer concentrate enough to compose anymore JavaScript.

I work in a call center. More specifically, I work at an internal computer help desk for the 'big' energy company here. And it's not called a 'help desk'. Nay good sirs and madams (is there a proper plural for madam?) it's called an IT Client Solution Center. We don't call users users, we call them clients. I believe that the median age for workers here is mid-50s. Don't get me wrong, there are some intelligent older people that will take the time to learn computer skills. However, the majority of the people here have been here so long that they aren't going anywhere else ever. And they're so coddled that they never attempt anything new, and bitch and whine when they have to do something new. Or, when they're shown how to do something right. But I wander far and wide from my initial point.

My point is that there are 12 people here. 12. Which makes me wonder why the hell Ninja N8 and I are the only ones that take calls. Ok, not literally the only ones, but with 12 people here, each person needs to take 8.3% of the calls to pull their weight. Routinely, the average percentage of calls taken per person, is between high 6s and high 7s. On rare occasions, it actually makes it into the 8s.

I'm not so anal that I expect all the numbers to line up every day, and I know it doesn't seem like that much of a difference, but we're talking 10-20 calls depending on overall volume. On top of that, there are certain people marked as VP, when they call, we are supposed to put our caller on hold and answer the VP line, within a reasonable amount of time. Say, 3 rings. Apparently N8 and I, both contractors who get paid in peanuts, have been elected to be the only ones to take VP calls.

I'm just frustrated. I'm sick and effing tired of people not pulling their weight. I was unemployed and unable to find a job for over a year, yet people that don't do their jobs are sitting in a virtually guaranteed position for great wages. As it is I bust my ass, and got chastised for asking for a raise after 6 months.

Did I forget to mention that I work 100 miles from home? Yeah, 200 miles a day, 1,000 miles a week I drive to work in this hellhole.

Why?

Because I can't get a job anywhere else, since as an ex-mecahnic/salesman/truckdriver/On-site repair for Dell tech, I don't have desirable qualities for the IT field. You know, common sense, the ability to think on your feet, reason, logic and good ole' knowledge of hardware and software. Oh wait... I DO have those...

Must be all those college graduates with no work-ethic and degrees out the wazoo that amount to jackshit in the real world that are getting all the jobs.

So, to any of you that may do hiring for your company, remember the worth of a man cannot be measured by the initials after his name. There is more to a person than degrees and book smarts. One has to be able to apply that knowledge, and have a can-do attitude.

I'd just like to extend a giant FU to life.

2 left feet

Most people wouldn't, under normal circumstances, wish for two left feet. I'm not most people, and I have found myslef wishing for an extra appendage over the past couple days. Gout has reared it's ugly head and attacked me.

For those of you unfamiliar with gout, let me tell you a little about it. Gout is caused by uric acid buildup in joints. Uric acid tends to crystallize when it builds up. So basically, I have millions of hard, tiny crystals eating away at joints in my feets. The really fun part is, the affected appendage usually swells up like a balloon becomes extremely sensitive. For instance, the weight of a sheet is enough to cause enormous amounts of pain.

Now, I'm no sissy when it comes to pain. I've cut my palm to the bone, and was more pissed than anything. I've dropped engine components on my feet, hands, etc. I fell off my motorcycle, went home, scrubbed the gravel out of the wounds with one of those plastic shower poof things, cleaned the rest with peroxide, bandaged it up, and kept going.

Gout, however, incapacitates me. It makes me hobble around like I spent a weekend with Kathy Bates.

The best part is the medicine that you get to take for flare ups. Colchicine is great. First, it's poisonous. Second, there's no real dosage for it. You take it once every hour, until you get nauseous. Here's where you see how sadistic doctors and pharmaceutical companies really are. After you toxify yourself, you develop diarhea.

That's right, you develop a condition that warrants frequesnt and exceptionally urgent trips to the bathroom, while you have the land speed of a sloth. Thank you modern science.

12 Windows boxes == 1 Unix box

Just wanted to share my favorite snide comment from the staff meeting:

Brain Sucking Zombie (please read previous post to understand who this is): We'll be implementing a Windows Server cluster to handle the DHCP services that are currently being taken care of by a Unix machine at each site.

Me: I'd like to point out that it takes a cluster of Windows machines to replace 1 Unix box. Furthermore, anytime you deal with Windows, you're voluntarily entering into a cluster.

BSZ: ::glare::

My dog ate my dog...

So... no headway has been made on the expectations letter front.

I've had Mt. Dew, which generally causes my brain meats to be a mass of quivering ADD. And we had a staff meeting today.

For those of you that do not exist in the corporate world, and have ever thought you might like to go to a staff meeting, you won't.

Well, you might like it if you're the type of person that generally likes to stand around the carcass of a dead horse and beat on it repeatedly with blunt objects for approximately an hour, then look around with smiles of self-satisfaction, slap ole' Bob on the back jovially, then return the brain sucking existence that is your cubicle. Happy in the knowledge that nothingn is ever going to change, no matter what you do, while trying to beat away at the nagging realization that life in a corporate setting is not much better than being an undead, brain sucking zombie. (BTW, undead brain sucking zombies are called 'managers' in the corporate world)

Blast these people constantly calling and interrupting my thought process!

My dog ate my homework...

The last few days have been pretty hairy for me. The SO and I sat down and decided we needed to write no-holds-barred letters to each other, detailing our expectations of the other person in our relationship. Great idea!

One drawback. Time. My arch-nemesis.

Work is friggin hectic, when I'm not taking all the calls that no one else takes, (Save for Ninja Nate, a generally upstanding chap) I'm working on web page stuff for our department's intranet site. Or reading webcomics..*ahem* So anyway, as you can see my day is pretty hectic, I hardly have time to post in my (sparse) blog from work.

So anyway, we decided to write these letters last friday, with a tentative due-date of Sunday. Problem being, the SO was down with a sore-throat and fever for most of the weekend, so that never happened. Given the weekend circumstances, the tentative deadline was set to wednesday. Well, here we are on thursday...

Anyway, I'll be trying to get some of it done today... after webcomics. ;)

Nocturnal emissions

Why do women wait until bedtime to bring up things?

It never fails, my SO and I lay down to go to sleep, I kiss her goodnight, start to turn over, and she either starts crying, or breaks out in a dissertation on why I should be aware of the placement of every eyebrow hair, as one was out of place earlier, and conveyed the message that I don’t appreciate her.

Don’t get me wrong, some serious things get discussed and handled at times like those, but I don’t get much sleep to begin with, I tend to relish what I am able to get. See, I drive 90 minutes (one way) to work Monday – Friday… I have 3 kids, 10, 9 and 1. By the time all the kids are in bed, showered and fed, and we’ve had our dinner, it’s 9pm. I have to be up to get ready for work at 5, and leave the house no later than 5:30. If I’m asleep at 10pm, that’s 7 hours. The problem is… I’m never asleep by 10, usually because I’m dealing with some monumental problem.

Being gone out of the house 12+ hours a day, I know doesn’t leave much time, but damn… I’ll spend days walking around like a zombie because we stayed up till 2am ironing out some non-existent problem (occasionally, they are real problems, most times they’re ‘perception differences).

More to come later… still getting used to people being able to read this